I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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