She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
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