Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
