My liver just broke up with me...
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
