The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
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