9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
