When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
