I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
