I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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