ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
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