were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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