Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
