Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
