Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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