Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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