So drunk its hurt
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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