I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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