every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I understand Curling. That high.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
