Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
