Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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