gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Randomize
