remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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