Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
found the other keg... it's in the tree
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
