life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
