i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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