I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
