so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
