Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
