And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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