my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
