You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
