Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
