Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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