Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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