Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
