What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
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