i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I think I just sharted jello shots
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
