he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
