I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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