I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
did i walk over a car last night?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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