the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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