Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
