I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
