I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Randomize
