just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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