So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
