I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
