Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
