I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
