Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
