Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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