who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
