I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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