thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize