dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
