So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
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